Awoken: The story of a Miscarriage

miscarriage-sculpture

There is something that has happened to me.

Like frost on a window it adorns me with a bitter beauty.

It has changed me.

For the better.

But right now it feels as though for the worst.

You see I have fallen in love

Not with a man

Not with a woman

But with a child

My child.

 

My.

Child.

 

She was so young

So young in fact some would not even have called her human

Many others her age are killed for convenience

And so few see them as murdered

 

My child was not murdered

She passed on her own

It was a struggle

I could feel her fight

Long hours into the night

And then in the morning still

Not even dawn brought relief

 

One night I awoke to darkness

I heard her singing

So sweetly

So peaceful

It makes me wonder

If she felt any pain

Was she spared at least that?

 

On her last day

She awoke something inside of me

Something that will never fall back asleep

She cried out for comfort

And I didn´t hesítate to offer

All that I could

 

Nothing else mattered

Nothing else in the world

Just keeping her safe and calm

Whispering I love you

Over

and over

and over

So no matter what

She would know

 

I held her close

For those last few hours

Ignoring fear

Pushing it away

This was no time to fear

This was a time to love

 

And then

All at once

She had given all she had

Her grip on life loosened

And she plunged out of my body

Out of this world

 

Whenever there is tension

To break it is to find comfort

The resolution

No matter how dark

Is more peaceful

Than the fight

And it washed over me

 

Then came the waves

Helplessness

Sorrow

Repentance

They ripped

At my hollow space

But she had not left me just yet

 

Like the touch of a feather on my neck

Or a soft kiss on the cheek

That wakes you from sleeping

Her voice came to me

And what she said changed me

 

¨I love you Mommy.¨

 

Like coolness on a burn

Like a hug in the snow

She said these words

And changed my soul

 

I am a young woman

Some would say I have done great things

Others think I am a fool

I have married a good man

And worked hard for my dreams

I have traveled the world

seen the hidden secrets of darkness

And the unsung glories of light

 

But none of those things

Brought me to that point

I guess I would call it

The point of no return

When looking back I would say

After that day

I was never the same

 

Until my little girl

She awoke something in me

 

She awoke in me a mother

And this I will always be

No longer am I just a missionary

Or a White girl

Or a leader

Or a wife

I am mother

 

I have been used

To bring life into this world

And I have been used

To let life leave this world

Life and death have made a home in me

They have touched me

With a burning touch

 

I can now say

I have loved with my whole heart

With a selfless love

Because I could feel death calling

For my Little girl

And I did not budge

I loved her hard

I loved her deep

I gave her all that I had

In the time I was given

 

And now I know

I will never be the same

I can never go back

I have been changed forever

Awoken by selfless love

A magical mystery

A precious gift

 

My Little girl is a hero to me

And even though I never saw her face

Knowing that she loves me

Has captivated my heart

 

I have changed

And it startles me

When before I would have thrown rocks

I now pour sweet honey

When I would have rushed

I now sip sunshine

When I would have had fear

I love.

 

What have you done to me my Darling?

My precious Little girl?

How is it that when you had not even grown big enough to have hands

Your touch melted my heart

And now I am a wreck

A wrecked ship in love.

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